I think that only a person who is going through what we are, can truly understand what I am about to say.
Up to this point I have not 'allowed' myself the luxury of thinking too hard about having an adopted daughter. A lifelong dream fulfilled. I do not want to have it collapse. So, I do what I can and do not think too hard about the end result.
One PAP (prospective adoptive parent) talked about allowing herself to think about what her little girl might be doing right now; what she might look like; how old she might be; how she might be feeling.....
That is a luxury I do not allow myself. It is no different than thinking that you are pregnant, but having to wait for the pregnancy test to confirm it. That is the stage that we are at. When our dossier is complete, which means our homestudy has been done, and Ethiopia has approved us - *then* and *only* then will I be allowed the luxury of *knowing* there is a little girl who God has chosen for us. At that point I can allow myself to immerse myself in those absolutely wonderful, warm, fantasy feelings of having a daughter.
Until then this is what I let myself have:
I go to bed at the end of a long day of housework, taking care of little children, cooking meals, and the paperchase. The days that have more paperchase are the best ones!! Those days make me feel I am getting somewhere. Life is a big calendar right now.
At the moment I am waiting for a number of things: The retainer agreement to come from Kidslink, the fingerprints to come back from processing, and July 28. That is the day when we do our first educational seminar and when the Home Study officially begins. It has to clock in for three months, to be official. So though I have been doing paperwork for the last 2 1/2 weeks, it won't officially begin until the local agency has us 'on the clock'.
So, at the end of a day's work I have the fun of I spending time living vicariously through bloggy friends, who are adopting. I do my research and read, read, read. Then I fall into bed and dream....
When I lie down in my cozy bed I know that the work is done for the day. Another day is over. Tomorrow will bring new exciting things to work on and learn about. But now that the children are all asleep - now, I can 'think'. There is nothing to distract me and nothing to do. As I curl up in bed I have this warm feeling knowing what we are working towards. It is not the luxury of thinking about 'the child'. That would be dangerous to my heart! No. I just think about the steps that we are taking. Because they, in themselves, are exciting. They show how far we have already gone. Farther than we would have ever dreamed of going in the past. Way beyond the beginning! So I know we are on this exciting journey and there are new things to think about each day!
Then the sleep begins and as I sleep I dream. I dream wonderful thoughts. I can't even put it into words. All I know is when I wake in the night I feel *good*. I feel *happy* about this journey we are on. And I have memory clips of dreams that I was dreaming and in these dreams there are children or people that are on this journey with us. And it feels so good.
About 5:00 am I wake and then from then on I doze, and think, and feel good, all over again. But now I am feeling good about today - what am I working on today?
If you could compare this to a pregnancy it is the same but different. I love this feeling!! I am not getting heavy and feeling sick. I can still wear my own clothes! *laugh* But you DO fall in love. You do! You fall in love with this child that is waiting. You don't know the child 'out there' any more than you know the child in your womb. But you know, you know that it is 'your child'.
When I was pregnant I didn't allow myself to dream *too much*, because there is always the fear of miscarriage. It wasn't until the later three months that I would allow myself to really believe this child might happen. This is the same thing. But in the meantime, there is that wonderful warm, cozy, hard to explain (except, perhaps to an adoptive mother) feeling. A child of mine is out there and waiting....
Up to this point I have not 'allowed' myself the luxury of thinking too hard about having an adopted daughter. A lifelong dream fulfilled. I do not want to have it collapse. So, I do what I can and do not think too hard about the end result.
One PAP (prospective adoptive parent) talked about allowing herself to think about what her little girl might be doing right now; what she might look like; how old she might be; how she might be feeling.....
That is a luxury I do not allow myself. It is no different than thinking that you are pregnant, but having to wait for the pregnancy test to confirm it. That is the stage that we are at. When our dossier is complete, which means our homestudy has been done, and Ethiopia has approved us - *then* and *only* then will I be allowed the luxury of *knowing* there is a little girl who God has chosen for us. At that point I can allow myself to immerse myself in those absolutely wonderful, warm, fantasy feelings of having a daughter.
Until then this is what I let myself have:
I go to bed at the end of a long day of housework, taking care of little children, cooking meals, and the paperchase. The days that have more paperchase are the best ones!! Those days make me feel I am getting somewhere. Life is a big calendar right now.
At the moment I am waiting for a number of things: The retainer agreement to come from Kidslink, the fingerprints to come back from processing, and July 28. That is the day when we do our first educational seminar and when the Home Study officially begins. It has to clock in for three months, to be official. So though I have been doing paperwork for the last 2 1/2 weeks, it won't officially begin until the local agency has us 'on the clock'.
So, at the end of a day's work I have the fun of I spending time living vicariously through bloggy friends, who are adopting. I do my research and read, read, read. Then I fall into bed and dream....
When I lie down in my cozy bed I know that the work is done for the day. Another day is over. Tomorrow will bring new exciting things to work on and learn about. But now that the children are all asleep - now, I can 'think'. There is nothing to distract me and nothing to do. As I curl up in bed I have this warm feeling knowing what we are working towards. It is not the luxury of thinking about 'the child'. That would be dangerous to my heart! No. I just think about the steps that we are taking. Because they, in themselves, are exciting. They show how far we have already gone. Farther than we would have ever dreamed of going in the past. Way beyond the beginning! So I know we are on this exciting journey and there are new things to think about each day!
Then the sleep begins and as I sleep I dream. I dream wonderful thoughts. I can't even put it into words. All I know is when I wake in the night I feel *good*. I feel *happy* about this journey we are on. And I have memory clips of dreams that I was dreaming and in these dreams there are children or people that are on this journey with us. And it feels so good.
About 5:00 am I wake and then from then on I doze, and think, and feel good, all over again. But now I am feeling good about today - what am I working on today?
If you could compare this to a pregnancy it is the same but different. I love this feeling!! I am not getting heavy and feeling sick. I can still wear my own clothes! *laugh* But you DO fall in love. You do! You fall in love with this child that is waiting. You don't know the child 'out there' any more than you know the child in your womb. But you know, you know that it is 'your child'.
When I was pregnant I didn't allow myself to dream *too much*, because there is always the fear of miscarriage. It wasn't until the later three months that I would allow myself to really believe this child might happen. This is the same thing. But in the meantime, there is that wonderful warm, cozy, hard to explain (except, perhaps to an adoptive mother) feeling. A child of mine is out there and waiting....
1 comment:
Oh Boy......Henri & I wish you all the very best of luck with your Adoption Quest........Justine - I adopted 2 wonderful babies....1 in England & one here in Canada. I had the feeling that you describe too......I was just so sure that my daughter would really become our own - & she did! My Social Worker had a saying......"Everything comes to those that wait"..........With the Good Lord's help, I'm sure you will be meeting your new daughter(s) in the very near future. It's a wonderful thing that you are doing & those little girls are very lucky to have the chance to become a part of your family. We wish you Godspeed on your Journey. With our Love, Dad & Shelagh XX
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