It Feels Like I'm Holding My Breath

I seem to go in ebbs and waves (if that is the combination - *I* know what I mean!). I ride along and feel that everything is in control and then I start sliding and feeling like it is going nowhere.

I never miss a day going to my blog. I like to see how many visitors I had since the day before and read any comments people make. I enjoy adding widgets and things to my blog, plus I always check in on my cyber adoption friends and see how they are doing in their waiting games! These visits to my blog and beyond keep me going while waiting each day.

I just want to say a big thank you to those that have taken the time to leave me comments. You are *such* an encouragement in such a precarious, unknown journey! You keep me going when the waiting gets too long or the fears take over. I cherish every comment.

Lately, I haven't had anything to write on my blog as nothing is happening. I actually missed going to the blog yesterday!! I have my ups and downs as I wait, wait, wait, for this contract social worker to call. It has been over three weeks since our file was completed and put in the hands of our agency. At that point, they needed to go over it and send it to the contract social worker who lives closer to us. Due to sickness in the home office it didn't even get looked at for 10 days! Finally, after two weeks they said it was being sent on. That was last Friday.

The contract social worker sent me an email that day saying she would contact me 'early next week'. Well, that has come and gone and we are now moving into the *next* week!

If we didn't have more than five kids and I was not nervous about this proposed restriction on family size, this would be just a wait. There will be plenty of waits and they are annoying and make you pace, but at least you know there will be a positive end to the wait.

In our case, we do not know there will be a positive end. Time is of the essence.

But at the same time as reminding myself that God is in control, I keep remembering the proposal. I don't dwell on it, but it is like a shadow that just doesn't quite let the sun shine through. It is always lurking.

As time ticks by,I feel myself slowly pulling back a little. I feel odd saying this since I speak of such faith, and I *do* have immense amounts of faith. But at times I wonder if I could be wrong. I know our girls are out there and yet - at times I think how far can I let my heart go toward our girls only to have the proposal go through and then have our hearts broken?This is not lack of faith - it is questioning my 'hearing'.

Yes, everything is going in the right direction. There is *nothing* to make me doubt that this is what God wants for our family, but I know people who wanted to adopt and would have been good families and it fell through. Why? Only God knows.

I realize that there may be a very good reason why we have to wait. That is so obvious to me. I just keep remembering the courts are going to reopen in October and there is that rumour that the proposal will go into effect after that. I feel like the magic date is the courts reopening date. When that comes and goes and the proposal is *not* put into effect I feel I will be able to breathe easier.

So I just want to get through October and have my papers done and sent to Ottawa and then off to Ethiopia. I sort of feel that once our papers are approved in Ethiopia that there is a better chance of sliding through if any restriction is put into place. Yes, I know that is me dealing with this in a purely human way and not trusting God to go above and beyond the problems!

I know now, with this social worker delay, that we are probably talking mid December before our homestudy gets to Kidslink. Then we are talking about Christmas holidays and more hold-ups. Yada yada yada... whine, whine, whine... *1/2 grin* *laughing at my own self - but *still!*

Last night, after everyone had gone to bed, I went back downstairs and sat in the dimly lit, quiet livingroom and decided to look at my devotionals. I read two different books and then picked up the third one: Streams in the Desert. I turned to September 20 and read that one. It was truly written for my heart right now.

"Said I not unto thee, that, if thou wouldest believe, thou shouldest see the glory of God?"
John 11:40

...Abraham could not understand why God should ask the sacrifice of the boy; but he trusted. And he saw the glory of God in his restoration to his love. Moses could not understand why God should keep him forty years in the wilderness, but he trusted; and he saw when God called him to lead forth Israel from bondage...

And so, perhaps in your life. You say, "I do nt understand why plans and purposes that seemed good to my eyes should be baffled. I do not understand why blessings I so much need are so long delayed.

Friend, you do not have to understand all God's way with you. God does not expect you to understand them. You do not expect your child to understand, only believe. Some day you will see the glory of God in the things which you do not understand. J.H.McC."

At church, on Sunday, our pastor talked about the situation in the Bible when Peter was locked up in prison and his group was praying for his release. When Peter arrived at their door and knocked, his friends (the disciples!) did not even believe it was him. When the girl opened the door and then told the disciples it was Peter their response was to the effect of: "It couldn't be him. He is in prison!"

So, you see, even Jesus' disciples had lack of faith when they got the very answer they were praying for!! I shouldn't feel bad about wobbling in my faith. Yes, the disciples prayed, which showed that they *believed* that God could answer their prayers, but they didn't necessarily believe that He *would*!! This is so me.

I just have to keep believing. But having this big *proposal* looming is what is making my wait so hard. I know that God can use this and probably is using this to increase my faith!!! It is easy to have faith in things you can see, but what about those things that are out of sight and too hard to imagine as real!! I think me as a mother of African children fits the catagory of things that are too hard to imagine as real! *laugh*