Waiting. Could it be Construed as a Privilege?

Yesterday, I was chomping at the bit. I was certain that my letter from our agency would be in my inbox confirming that our dossier was sent to Ethiopia. But, I was also a bit nervous of checking, so I held off opening my email until about 12:15 - right before I had to leave the house for town.

As you may remember, our file got to our agency, on October 30 and should have been sent off to Ottawa, on October 30/31. A friend on the exact timeline had her file sent off and returned and then off to Etiopia, by November 8. So that should have been my dates, too.

Unfortunately, due to error, our file sat on the WAITING pile for a 'missing' document for eight days before it was discovered. This document was not actually even missing. It was in the file. At this point it was rectified and sent to Ottawa. It was rather frustrating to say the least.

Then this week, I heard of another family that truly were missing two documents and their file was sent off to Ottawa, anyway! This made me (to be polite) frustrated! This is my blog, so I will be honest, (like I'm not always?! LOL!). I am thankful that they were *not* requesting the same child request as we are, or they would have been bumped ahead of us on *our* pile. As it is, their request was for a single female, so it won't affect us.

But all the same, I felt like - Why did our caseworker wait for a document before sending our dossier, and her caseworker sent her dossier, while waiting for her documents to arrive - "saving us a couple weeks", to quote her.

So that was kind of what was going on in my head this week. A little (lot of) unrest. Wondering where my file was. And wishing *I* hadn't had the 'luck' to get held back. And of course, I *want* to have my file in Ethiopia when my friend, Corrie does cause I would *love* to fly with her to ETH to pick up our kids together. How cool would that be?!

So back to yesterday - I waited til 12:15 to open my email - right before I had to be out the door. It was now 16 days that our file had been at KL and eight days since it was finally sent to Ottawa. I really hoped it would be back, and didn't really want to wait til Monday to call or email. I checked my email and felt such a let down when I saw there was no letter....

I then saw an email from my friend, Corrie. Her email had a subject of - Be not discouraged - I quickly opened it but didn't have time to read it, as I wanted to savour it because at the top it said, "Let me tell you a story," and I knew it would be encouraging.

I have to say that God is awesome in how He puts people in your path when you are on a journey!! This has happened twice in my life!!

When we made the move from the coast to here, I met a girl over the internet - I was very new on the internet at the time. We met in April of 1998, and in June both our families made radical decisions to move from surburbia to the remote rural areas of the Interior of BC and Tennessee!!! Only another person who was packing their stuff up and heading out (with no jobs or houses lined up -carting a handful of children), like the pioneers and settlers of old, would understand that it *wasn't* crazy - it was a God ordained decision - and it would be SO like Him to send a friend to make the journey with!

That friendship is the dearest one to my heart and we are kindred spirits to this day!! We have had three trips to Florida and Tennessee to stay with them, including a six week trip last year where our whole family drove and flew down. And they have been up to our house last winter! God is GOOD!

I have to tell you though, when I saw the subject - Be not discouraged- I had such a warm rush. It was just what I needed, and I know God knew this at the time when He inspired Corrie to write to tell me her story.

At this point, I thought it wouldn't hurt to send a quick email out to our agency asking IF our file had come back yet. I knew they had a couple hours to answer before the end of the week.

I left the house right after this (knowing I would read the email from my friend later) and went to our homeschool group meeting and then came home about 5:00pm. Our children were doing a "Fall Fun Day" all that day, as we don't do Halloween, and so our Fun Day was continuing as the evening wore on. Finally, after I had all the young ones in bed and the older ones were watching a video, I opened my email. I hoped against hope there was a reply from Jill.

No such luck. I was so discouraged. I just felt tired.

Truly, a person has to experience an adoption to understand 'waiting' - especially when you *shouldn't* be waiting!! I then read Corrie's email and I have to tell you, it was such an uplifting message. It just showed me that God CAN move things on faster if HE wants to, but He is in charge and as many roadblocks as He allows to come up - or actually PUTS up - might the very roadblocks that bring us to OUR girls rather than to someone else's girls.

Then this morning, I was reading my devotions and kind of just 'back in the saddle again' - I had let go of the 'Man, why is our file held up!' attitude. My wait might seem small and the devotion might seem 'too big' for such a small wait, but God knows our hearts and what specifically we need to be working on!!!

I know from the past - while I was worrying about the family size restriction coming into play, that God was working on my faith that He was in control there. My faith in that grew, and I have stopped worrying about the proposal coming into force. My other thing was while waiting a needless 3 weeks for a social worker to call (while waiting to start our homestudy), while others were getting a call in days! Again, God showed me He was in charge - when He arranged for the social worker to take us through our complete homestudy and approval process in 27 days!! WOW!!!

This, what I am going through now, is another kernel in my heart. It is not "trust in God". It is "resentment and me wanting to be in control of this adoption".

My thinking is rather: Hey! I have done my job. Right? So why can't the others do their jobs in just as organized a fashion?

Well, God needs me to see that HE is doing the job - I just *think* I am!! And by me being made to wait, it is giving me time to *learn* this point!!! You don't go from being a piece of clay to a piece of beautiful pottery without the Refiner's fire!! The fire just seems to burn a little too hot, sometimes!! LOL!

"The very hardships that you are enduring in your life today are given by the Master for the explicit purpose of enabling you to win your crown.

Do not wait for some ideal situation, some romantic difficulty, some far-away emergency; but rise to meet the actual conditions which the providence of God has placed around you today. Your crown of glory lies embedded in the very heart of these things - those hardships and trials that are pressing you this very hour, week, and month of your life. The hardest things are not those that the world knows of. Down in your secret soul unseen and unknown by any but Jesus, there is a little trial that you would not dare to mention, that is harder for you to bear than martyrdom.

There, beloved, lies your crown. God help you to overcome, and sometimes wear it.

"It matters not how the battle goes,
The day how long;
Faint not! Fight on!
Tomorrow comes the song."

The funny thing is, I am different to the person in the devotion. I *am baring my soul* when I tell you all what the kernel in my secret soul is!!

From last night to this morning this is what has changed. From feeling so let down... to reading Corrie's email.... to God working on my heart through the night... to reading that devotion this morning.... I feel different.

This morning I suddenly feel *privileged*. How odd is that!! I feel privileged to be waiting and to be 'held up' by human hands!!!

Why?

Because God is personally working on *my* case - He knows our girls, and He is orchestrating their arrival at the orphanage for when He knows we will be ready! This is not just a random choice of orphanage staff choosing girls that fit in the wide age catagory that we have given!! Though I am sure the staff thinks *they* have chosen - I know God knew who our girls were even before we knew we would be adopting!

God *knows* the desires of our hearts and He will fill those desires.

So now, though I will still wait, and yes, even if more dossiers pass ours who were supposed to be 'behind' us, I will, "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him and He will direct my paths." Proverbs 3:5

God in His infinite wisdom is in charge and knows best!!!

I just need to remember that!!